The willingness to live lack luxuries in life.
Failure to thrive in this world can affect our brain so that we can stop having the willingness to live. Once I read about how only the fittest survives, and inward personalities lack luxuries in life. I consider myself as someone who is an introvert. I am not saying that every introvert goes from the same phases of life I like to do. Everyone’s life is worth displaying on some or another platform, even if it is filled with failures and solitary things never asked for. I was a child when life showed its true colors to me. After I lost my near and dear ones physically, I understood that life is not a cotton candy land, and I will not be treated with all the sweets till I die. If there is something I will name by life, it would be a synonym of failure and loss.
A lightly lit room, alone and think about how life could have been
Every time I tried to wrap my head around a sad state in my life, another one soon followed. I know it is not just me, I know there are many people out there who live the same or worse life than me, but everyone around people like “us” thinks that we are sorted, but in reality, we all sit in a lightly lit room, alone and think about how life could have been.
As a child, I was a chirpy one, but it went off when I started having responsibilities. It was the greatest among everyone, but that desire ended because I never wanted to leave my comfortable place. My head is stuffed with thousands of thoughts; they mess up so badly that I blabber something that I shouldn’t. Tell me, how would you feel when your long-term friends ask you to keep quiet or be somewhere else when they try to meet up with new people? I never had someone who would accept me completely or even talk to me at first glance.
I feel lost most of the time, hoping Accept that things end
When God fills your life with hardships, he also gives you a not so pretty face, and in this era, no one is open to see the personality.
I feel lost most of the time.
I used to attend my lectures and hang out with some guys, but there was nothing we could term as “connection” because I was not connected. I felt left out mentally, but I always had this eye-to-eye smile on my face. It was exhausting, and I couldn’t hear myself talking, but if not, then how would I have survived?
This rush to approach an individual we never talked.
This one goes for my life. This one also goes with my lonely state. When I was in my early twenties, I fell in love with this girl who used to study with me. She was the charmer type, the one loved by professors and students. There was something about her eyes, her eyes used to smile. There were shimmers on her skin, and it was hard for me to keep my eyes away. Luckily, I was one of those who were good at studies, and she was an ambitious woman, which made her more attractive. For the first time in my life, I had this vision, this rush to approach an individual.
I craved for love; honestly, I did, and when I realized that she had some liking for me, I could not stop myself from blushing. The foundation was not there; we never talked, so I took the initiative. I was happy at the least and harmful at the most. I was scared, but it started OK, from taking some notes to eating together at breaks, and then we started hanging out together. Time with her felt endless, and I loved every moment with her. I learned that she has opinions on many things that inclined me, including what we want to do and what kind of life we want. None of us confessed anything till this point, and it went like that for longer than expected.
I could sense her fears, and I guess she was feeling mine. There was a fine line in my life that I crossed with her, I started sharing my fears, and she did the same. One day, she held my hand, and that was it. We confessed, and I even cried because I had never felt that magic ever in my life. We completed our college, and everyone cheered for me because I was with her. At a point, I started loving the attention and fine vibes I was having with everything.
How can everything be so perfect with me?
How can everything be so good with me?
I should have taken more care when I knew my life was fragile, and I’m not someone who gives second chances to anything. Our plans were similar, but I was not the one she saw these dreams with, or at least to say I was no longer the person. She never concluded with me, and later on, I learned that she moved to the west country from one of my friends. I would not have stopped her, but I would have made sure that we remain as we are, and I would have given 100% to go there if that was something she wanted, but I was not informed as usual. It hurt, and It made me slow in life.
It gets tough to overcome someone you love with a pure heart and intention.
It gets tough to overcome someone you love with a pure heart and intention. She did; how do I Know?
She never texted me back. I started to be worse than who I was. From a silent man to someone who had no motivation to continue with anything.
Why did I not end my life?
Well, I’m a loner but not a coward. It takes years to overcome the emotional damage, and however, you try to be strong, it gets into your mind and destroys everything.
I became someone I was never with, and when she left, the same happened. It is no infinity loop, though, because I was different then, and I’m different now. Everything ends, and that is life. The woman I fell in love with was no longer with me, and it affected my life in the worst possible way.
I became slow and lost all my abilities to converse with people, let alone be a woman. I live in a strange yet beautiful space that I decorate. I sit alone, stare at walls, and eat my meals; I open my laptop to create ppt files and work on excel. I smile and laugh; yet again, I’m just someone who has nothing in their hands.
The world is in a circle, and everything will come around, and so will my wellness, but nothing will stay. I do not stay hopeless because we all have to accept that things end and new things begin. When she left me, I shattered my career, and I only had a few pennies in my pocket, but I survived. There are thousands of thoughts in my mind right now as well, and yes, she is one of them, but I can not be a coward, and I have accepted that it ended just like any other thing in my life.
‘Accept that things end‘